Conscious Dating for Singles

Looking for Love on Mobile Devices- New Consicous Dating app!

2012-01-27T11:27:00.000-08:00

We're excited to announce that we have just published our first app!

MyDatingCoach, a free Conscious Dating app for singles is now live for Apple and Android devices.

It's free, with great stuff for singles such as audio and video programs, Conscious Dating tips and strategies, access to our comprehensive Conscious Dating Knowledge Bank, and much more.

The Apple version for iPhone and iPad is here

The Android version for any Android smart phone or tablet is
here

And the HTML5 version compatible with any mobile device is here

Valentine's Day is around the corner, so please pass this along to the singles in your life that you care about.

They'll be glad you did!

Free Recording- Using Conscious Dating to Find Your Soul Mate

2011-10-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Many singles yearn to find their “soul mate” but wonder-

What is a soul mate?
Are soul mates real?
Can I really find my soul mate or am I chasing a fantasy?
How do I find my soul mate?

In this outstanding program David and Darlene Steele share intimately about their own soul mate experience and provide specific strategies for using Conscious Dating to find your soul mate.

One of the interesting tidbits from this program was their distinction between a "Life Partner" and a "Soul Mate."

Participants especially liked their quote from Richard Bach-

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys,
and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to
open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be
completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for
who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each
unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else
goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in
our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our
deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two
balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are
we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one
who makes life come to life.”

For immediate access-
http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=23149695

REQUEST- Please join our Facebook group and post your
comments and questions about this program-
http://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdating/

Conscious Dating on Lifetime Television

2011-04-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a great interview on Lifetime Television that captures all the main messages of Conscious Dating in 5 minutes!

Ask David Anything- Two Year Anniversary Follow Up

2010-10-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

This month, we check in with David and Darlene Steele. David, the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, met Darlene three years ago. They were engaged in 6 weeks and then married 8 months later in September 2008. Flash forward two years later as we check in with the happy couple to ask them still more questions about their relationship. In the spirit of David's book, Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World, he did just that!

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor, Relationship Coaching Institute

1. David, you and Darlene were engaged to be married after knowing each other only six weeks. How has the speed with which you and Darlene committed to each other shifted your thinking, if it has, around testing for requirements over time?

David: Correction -- we were not "committed" in six weeks. Remember that in our five-stage model of relationship coaching, becoming a couple (pre-commitment) and even getting engaged (pre-marital), is not "commitment."

I continue to believe that we need to give ourselves as much time as necessary to test for our requirements and be 100% confident that this is the right relationship for us before making a commitment. After all, even though we might have feelings of urgency, there is no need to hurry and no such thing as a relationship emergency!

I'd also like to mention that in those first six weeks, I gave myself a reality check by reaching out for support to our community of relationship coaches here at RCI and I consulted several of my mentors, both individually and with Darlene. While we were engaged after six weeks, we were married eight months later, which gave us plenty of time for further testing.

The tricky part is about how to become 100% confident in your relationship choice --consciously and without overlooking red flags (as I've done before). This is where a relationship coach trained in Conscious Dating is invaluable.

2. Is it possible to speed up the testing part of the process when you have a crystal clear relationship plan?

David: No, having a clear plan speeds the "finding" part but not the "testing." Our testing process was compressed because we both worked from home and became inseparable after we had "the talk" and became a couple. We spent every day together! Also, we were both pushing 50, had plenty of relationship experience, and had done the work to be clear about who we were and what we wanted.

We both were in a position to recognize that we had found what we were seeking at a very deep, authentic, and conscious level. I have "fallen in love" before and had the understanding and consciousness to know that this was the real thing on all levels; a "soul mate" connection unlike anything else I've experienced. It was scary and overwhelming, but felt right at the same time.

3. What religion is each of you and how have values from your religion impacted your relationship?

David: We are both "spiritual but not religious." We both are strongly drawn to universal spiritual truths and prefer not to follow any particular religious dogma. This path started for me when I was five years old and participating in my first Jewish "Sunday School" class (which is actually on Saturdays), having a skeptical reaction when the teacher informed us that my people are "the chosen people."

I just couldn't accept that God preferred one people or religion over another. I believe my attitude of acceptance and tolerance for all truths makes me a good coach! We are amazingly aligned in this important area.

4. Darlene, when you married David, you became a step-mom to his twin sons and his daughter. What has that been like for you, and, as far as you can tell, for them? How does step-parenting impact your marriage? What, if anything, would you have done differently?

Darlene: What a strange, new experience for me. I have two grown children myself, and felt very comfortable with being a mother, but had no experience with being a step-parent. Becoming such an important part of the twins lives so suddenly – it was both a huge responsibility and an honor. (His daughter was grown and out of the house).

Parenting is probably the area where David and I differ the most. Our parenting styles are quite different. The first thing that was apparent to me was that I needed to simply leave the parenting up to David and the boys' mom. It is confusing enough for the boys having parents with two unique parenting styles – I didn't need to add a third.

The boys and I get along great and they have told me that they think things are better since I have been around. (Certainly they benefit from home-cooked meals!) The only impact that the boys have on our marriage is that of logistics. We plan our calenda r around the days/times we have the boys. I think it is too soon to answer the "what I would have done differently" question. Right now, things seem to be going well.

5. David and Darlene: I would like to know which Relationship Coaching Institute exercises have been most beneficial for both of you since you were married. And, what were the most important ones for you prior to your wedding? My coaching clients both single and married are always seeking true stories to give them encouragement.

David: The most important exercises were the ones prior to finding each other that helped us become ready for a relationship and clear about who we are and what we want -- Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs and Wants. The clarity from this work helped us recognize our compatibility and brought us together.

Darlene: I completely agree with David's response. We were both very clear about who we were and what we wanted. Neither of us represented ourselves as anything but ourselves from the moment we met, so there were no surprises when the "real" people came out.

David (continued): "Exercises" are great tools to learn skills and are not needed once the skill is mastered. We haven't used any structured exercises after getting married because we haven't needed to! Our relationship flows and deepens naturally, without structured exercises.

6. David, it seems that you and Darlene made an intuitive leap in committing to each other. Comment on this and how this would influence your recommendations to others.

David: I'm not so sure it was "intuitive." I'm a very intuitive person and certainly experienced an intuitive "hit" when I found Darlene, but the conscious process was more important in bringing us to commitment. I've always thought of "chemistry" as the "radar" that helps you find your target, and then you need to rely on your "head" to make a good long term choice. This applies to "intuition" as well.

7. David, if someone found "the love of his/her life" and decided to get engaged after six weeks and asked what you have learned from your experience regarding this with Darlene, what wisdom would you share?

David: I summed up my most important learning about the journey to finding lasting love in an article I wrote after getting married entitled "I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle" For anyone in the situation of wanting to make a commitment in a short amount of time I recommend talking to others and seeking coaching.

The best way to be sure you're not fooling yourself is by being supportable to others. When you don't want to talk about it to others because you fear their reaction, or if you don't like what you hear from others, that's a big red flag.

8. David, did your previous relationship with "M" meet your requirements? Was there some other factor involved in selecting Darlene other than whether or not she met your requirements?

David: "M" was a great example of an 80% relationship, as in 80% percent worked and met my requirements, and 20% didn't work. She broke up with me over that 20%; I would have hung in there out of loyalty and commitment as is my pattern; a huge gift she gave me.

With "M" I really "got" the lesson of what happens when you settle for less than 100%, but like most people I ...

didn't really believe 100% was possible,
if possible, didn't really believe I'd find it, and
if I found it, didn't really believe I deserved it.

Some "other" factor? Yes. Surely Darlene met my requirements, but the strongest factor that helped me find and choose her was an overwhelming experience of her as my soul mate.

I've always longed for a "soul mate" and had an intellectual idea of what that meant, but was not prepared for the reality. It is so strong, clear, surreal, and unmistakable. "Falling in love" can be strong and overwhelming, and might feel like a soul mate connection, but the difference is whether that feeling and connection continues after the romantic infatuation wears off (up to 18 months later).

Our connection is so strong and unmistakable that people come up to us and say things like, "You guys are so inspirational together!" when all we're doing is standing in line at the grocery store. This seems to be who we are together and doesn't feel like a temporary condition; we're not newlyweds anymore, but stay tuned and let's see if this holds up over the years (I'm sure it will!).

9. How did your families react initially to your relationship? Were they skeptical? What did you tell them?

David: Both of our families were very accepting, it was our friends we had to convince (and did)!

Darlene: Actually, I guess David doesn't remember this, but both of our daughters, who were 20 at the time, thought we were CRAZY and let us know so. Makes sense though - they knew that we would be very upset if they announced a commitment so quickly. "You would kill me if I did this!!" And, they were right. They did not have the life experiences nor had they done the inner work ahead of time, which provided the clarity we needed. However, in no time at all, they both accepted and supported our decision.

David: Darlene is right about the girls (forgot about that!), but everyone else --- her mom, her brothers and sister, my family, etc., were all accepting and happy for us.

10. No relationship is perfect. What has been one or two types of challenges both of you have experienced these past two+ years and how have you resolved them?

David: We mulled this over quite a bit and had a lot of trouble coming up with "challenges" in response to this question because the question implies difficulty or stress. Believe it or not, we do not have any stressful relationship challenges. The closest thing might be when I ask Darlene what she wants (food, activity, etc) and she doesn't have a preference and responds, "What you'd like is fine," and when she asks what I want and I respond, "Whatever would make you happy."

We're both pretty easy-going and want to please the other and it can be challenging to make a choice sometimes, but it's not hard to do. We also have different decision-making processes; I make decisions quickly, and Darlene needs a lot of time to come to a decision. While I'd rather not drag out making a decision, I respect her process and it has had great results for us, so I can't argue with that!

11. David, what's something new and amazing you discovered about Darlene after you married her?

David: This is a great question, however, as above; we mulled this over and had tremendous difficulty coming up with a single thing. We knew each other very well when we got married and there were no surprises afterwards. Perhaps this is because we were (and are) very authentic and transparent with each other -- we're completely honest and share everything we think, feel, experience, etc.

Feeling emotionally safe to do so helps, as well as being emotionally mature and available, but this is also who we are as people. I'm a very direct, up front "what you see is what you get" person and so is she.

12. Darlene, what's something new and amazing you discovered about David after you married him?

Darlene: I'm not sure how to answer this. We knew each other so well before we married that I haven't really discovered anything new since. Thank goodness because I love him just the way he was/is!

13. What are a couple of goals you both share? How has this influenced the quality of the relationship you enjoy?

David: When we first met, we both worked from home and enjoyed having 24/7 access to each other. When Darlene got a job and started commuting to work it was an adjustment and we decided our goal was for her to work in the RCI business from home, which also happens to be a life-long dream of mine to work together and share my mission and purpose with my life partner. Just last month Darlene left her job and is now working from home with me. Life is good!

14. What methods or systems do you employ for resolving your disagreements?

David: Nothing extraordinary -- we hear each other's positions and find a way to meet each other's needs. We have very similar and compatible values and preferences, so it's highly unusual to be at polar opposites on anything, but if it happens we both are pretty unattached and very willing to let go enough to meet in the middle or find a creative solution.

Contrary to what I've experienced in past relationships, this process with Darlene is very easy. It really helps to have maturity on your side, have a sense of humor, treat your partner's needs as important as your own, not be attached to having your way, and not take things too seriously.

Darlene: I think another thing that helps is that we both understand, and I mean REALLY understand deep down, that we are a team and that we are there for each other. We have no need to compete and we get that at a subconscious level. So, when we have a differing opinion on some thing, we will tend to lean to the side of whoever is having the stronger reaction, with no regrets and no "keeping score." There really isn't a need to as we are both equally willing to give to the other.

15. Anyone in a relationship knows how important it is to have time for oneself – to work on personal interests and hobbies, and sometimes to just be alone with one's thoughts. While we're in relationships with others, the relationship with ourselves is also important to work on. What are some of the personal activities each of you enjoy when you're not together?

David: There's a paradox in human development-- the more mature (differentiated) we become, the better able we are to be intimate with another and maintain our identity in a relationship. Yes, at certain levels of development it is important to have time to oneself to maintain individuality, prevent enmeshment, and develop ourselves. The wonderful payoff later in life is to be able to truly share your life with someone on all levels without losing yourself.

That said, we both want to be together as much as possible. We've spent plenty of time developing ourselves separately and now love being constantly connected. We don't spend much time apart, but when it happens one benefit is to catch up on TV shows and movies that don't interest the other.

Darlene loves gross medical shows, chick flicks, and "America's Next Top Model," while she'd rather not sit through my war movies, military documentaries, etc. Darlene loves aerobics and Zumba dance/aerobic classes (very unmanly), and we each have our own favorite solo computer game (Darlene's "Free Cell" vs my iPhone/iPad app "Tilt to Live").

16. Now that both of you have been together for about 3 years, what do you do and/or what type of mindset have you adopted to keep things vibrant within your relationship?

David: I adore this woman. I love to look at her and remind myself of how lucky I am and how much I love her. This is a conscious choice as well, because after it took me 50 years to find her I don't take her for granted and don't want to do so.

17. David: What's one of the most important things you learned about yourself/life as a result of being in relationship with Darlene?

David: That I am truly lovable and deserve happiness. While understanding this intellectually, Darlene helped me experience the reality. Some things you can only learn, experience, and "get" in relationship, and some only in a good relationship.

18. Darlene, what's one of the most important things you learned about yourself/life as a result of being in relationship with David?

Darlene: Oh, this is an easy question, and an important lesson I'd like to share. I realized early on in my first marriage that the marriage wasn't providing what I wanted, needed, or required. However, my first husband was not interested in taking our relationship to a higher level. In fact, when I mentioned any dissatisfaction, he simply told me to "grow up."

I understood that I would never have the type of relationship I knew was possible staying in that situation. I realized that I did not have the power to "fix" my marriage and be truly happy without the buy-in of my partner.

I remember the exact moment, right after meeting David, when it occurred to me that the type of relationship I had always imagined was not only possible, but was right in front of me. It feels amazing how safe, free and empowering life is with a partner that is aligned with you. We are truly a team and work together on common goals.

19. What's the secret of your relationship success?

David: The number one most important factor in the success of our relationship is our compatibility or "fit." The success and potential of a relationship is enhanced or limited by how well your values, goals, attitudes, vision, requirements, needs, wants, preferences, and physical chemistry fit together.

Secondly, I would say emotional maturity and availability. Twenty years ago we could not have had the relationship we have today.

Lastly, I would credit our rituals and routines. Every couple has their own culture, which is largely composed of their rituals and routines, whether they consciously choose them or not. Even when we travel, we get out of bed the same way, make time to have coffee and read the newspaper together, and get ready for bed and go to sleep the same way.

For example, the last thing we say to each other every night before going to sleep, without fail, is "I love you." Our rituals and routines are expre ssions of love, comforting, intimate, and constant reminders that we're connected to each other.

I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle!

2010-02-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

To get what you really want, you must say "No" to what you don't want. Simple, but not easy.

I've settled for less than I really wanted many times in my life, and each time my awareness of just how much of myself I gave up to accept that "OK" job, buy that "OK" car, enter that "OK" relationship that was less than I really wanted came much later, when it was too late to do much about it.

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, what could I have done differently? Honestly, probably nothing. I had lessons I needed to learn, a journey I was destined to take that led me to find the love of my life and the life that I love.

What did I learn from making all those choices that seemed right at the time? Here's a few things-

Every choice has long-term consequences that are predictable if you're paying attention
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
I listen to my fears and doubts way too much
My choices and results are a direct reflection of how worthy I feel and how well I'm taking care of myself
When I defend against what others say about me, they're always right and I'm always wrong (damn!)
Life doesn't work the way you want, need or expect, it works the way it works

Is it possible to catch myself settling before it's too late? Yes, I just have to listen to the garbage I tell myself; such as-

I don't want to be alone
I REALLY want a relationship
I'm tired of looking, I might as well choose this one
I won't find anything/anyone better
I'd rather have this now than risk nothing later
I don't deserve true happiness
80% is good enough

Examining these statements now it's easy to see they're all FALSE. Looking back, I knew I was telling myself these things, but my awareness was dim enough, and my self-esteem low enough that I allowed them to dictate my choices.

What could I have done differently? Simple. Require 100% and not settle for less.

All the times I talked myself into accepting 80% prevented me from finding and experiencing 100%. This hit home for me when I broke up an 80% relationship and then met the woman I was destined to marry just a few months later. It's like I finally passed a cosmic test of some kind.

Five years after writing the book "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World" and two years after finally finding my soul mate, the biggest secret to finding true love that I've learned is to love myself enough to fiercely go after 100% of what I really want and truly believe that it's possible.

Fiercely believe "I deserve to love and be loved."

Fiercely believe "Seek and ye shall find."

Fiercely believe "Build it, and they will come."

And, fiercely believe "I'd rather be single than settle!"

David Steele, MA, LMFT is the founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking book for singles "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World," now in it's second edition.

For more information about David's personal conscious dating journey visit www.darleneanddavid.com For free access to his audio program "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success" and other free resources for conscious singles visit www.joinconsciousdating.com

Ask David Anything! David Steele Reveals All About his Relationship

2008-09-19T14:53:00.001-07:00

Questions submitted by the members of Relationship Coaching Institute-

1. How long was it before you had sex with Darlene?

Wow ... not wasting time getting to the juicy stuff! For Conscious Daters, more important than "how long" is "at what point in the relationship?"

I'm happy to report that I practiced what I preach and we did not have intimate physical contact until "the talk" when we became an exclusive, pre-committed couple.

A few weeks after first meeting online and getting together in person a few times, we both knew that this might be the start of something big and had a five-hour conversation about our vision, requirements, needs, and wants.

I had a reservation about being her first "relationship" after her divorce a year and a half ago and asked the RCI coaches for feedback. We discussed that feedback during "the talk" as well. After five hours of hard questions and close examination of our compatibility we decided we were a match and officially became a pre-committed couple and have been inseparable ever since.

2. Did you kiss on the first date?

I've never kissed anyone after just meeting them for the first time! Our first meeting in person was the classic "coffee date." I've had lots of these first meetings as a single and most did not lead to a second date. Our first physical contact I call "the hug" was after our third date. The chemistry was so strong for me after that I had insomnia and couldn't sleep for two nights straight.

3. Have you ever had any doubts, after becoming engaged, about getting married to Darlene?

This is the first time in my life I can honestly say that I have no doubts or reservations. I've talked myself into relationships in the past by rationalizing the red flags, and amazingly, in this relationship there are none. For awhile I was disbelieving and tried to find red flags until one of my mentors kindly, but firmly, told me to stop and enjoy my good fortune before I sabotaged it by looking for things that aren't there.

4. Don't you think that 6 weeks is a bit soon for an engagement? You barely know someone in that length of time.

Yes, for 99% of the population, six weeks is an insanely short amount of time. In this case, we both worked from home and have flexible schedules, and were able to spend every day (and night) together. As I mentioned before, we became inseparable. Practicing Conscious Dating, we were both testing each other and the relationship as thoroughly as possible. Both of us are very direct, upfront people that don't wear masks. We were not BS-ing ourselves or each other. We were both very clear about what we wanted and clear that we've found it in each other.

Ironically, being married and divorced twice gave me the life experience that helped me to be so clear about this relationship. As a result I've learned that when two people are truly right for each other it is unmistakable and unambiguous.

When you've had a lot of life experience and have done the work to clearly know who you are and what you want, you'll recognize it more clearly when you find it! It was hard for me to believe at first, and a piece of feedback from an RCI coach was very helpful to me at the time- "When it's right, it's right."

5. What will you do if this relationship fails? What's your exit plan should things go awry?

Well, I've survived two divorces and I suppose I can get through another if it happens. Failure isn't the end of the world; it represents a new beginning. As one RCI coach put it- "It's a risk -- but so is crossing the street."

6. With knowing someone just 6 weeks, you didn't really have time to test any of your requirements – how did you test your requirements?

I tested enough to want to be with her for the rest of my life, and for Conscious Daters the testing continues up until the actual commitment is made. Even though we were engaged, both of us had enough wherewithal to call it off if it turned out to be a bad idea.

7. Why did you get engaged so soon? Couldn't you just have dated a year to see how things worked out and then get engaged? What was the rush?

There was no rush; it just felt right. Yes, we could have waited, but for what? Some useful feedback from the RCI coaches included giving myself permission to follow my heart (which is a challenge if you don't trust yourself), and my heart wanted to say YES to Darlene at every level. I'm a "go for it" person and not a fan of being passive or waiting for the sake of waiting.

8. My therapist told me that many relationships fail within the first two years – so it's better to date at least two years before getting married? Do you agree with that or have you heard about studies supporting this?

I was with my second wife for three years before getting married and it didn't work out. There's quantity and there's quality. A quantity of time, by itself, doesn't ensure success.

9. Many relationship red flags don't rear their ugly head until you've invested more time in the relationship. Has anything come up for you in the last 9 months? It's hard to believe this relationship is without its ups and downs?

I know, it is hard to believe that two people can be such a good fit that there are no red flags or roller coaster dynamics, but that's the reality here and a big learning for me about how settling for less in the past hasn't served me. I unconsciously assumed that I couldn't have what I really wanted so I had to settle for the best I could find. I see many, many singles doing this. My new message is, DON'T SETTLE! Assume that what you really want is out there and give yourself permission to say "no" to anything less.

An important difference about this relationship is that we are both mature enough to know ourselves and not take control issues seriously. We're both strong individuals and might be arguing a lot if we met before we had the communication skills and mature attitudes to handle differences effectively. I tease her about being a control freak and she teases me about being stubborn. We marvel at how different (and more difficult) our relationship would be if we had met 20 years ago!

10. How soon did you introduce Darlene to your children? Is this the soonest you've ever introduced someone to them?

After we decided to become an exclusive pre-committed couple Darlene was introduced to the kids. Yes, I would say it's the soonest in my history.

11. I am twice divorced, and one coach who knows this about me made a smart remark/question -- "Is this like 'those who can ... do, and those who can't … teach'?" Obviously, you've been successful despite your history. How have you transcended stigmatization?

I never liked that saying as it's derogatory of teachers, a critically valuable role and profession. For anyone, it's not that we "can't" - it's that we need to learn how. When you are passionate about something you will pursue it, whether to "do" it, teach it or help others with it. Teaching (or counseling, therapy, coaching, etc.) allows you to immerse yourself in your passion and you continue to learn and become more accomplished. I don't believe in absolute "can" or "can't"… we are all learning.

12. Was it a common purpose or mission that helped you make the decision that Darlene was the one? Was it mostly chemistry that drew the both of you together?

Very simply, she is my soul mate. Certainly having a common purpose/mission is important and having strong chemistry is important, but the alignment was so broad and deep it was unmistakable and clear.

13. Was it the feeling that if you did not move on this one, that you would lose her? (I've always wondered if the reason you and Maggie broke up was because you wouldn't marry her.)

Maggie broke up with me! Looking back, she was very wise, as I was/am just too committed and loyal to quit when I should. No, I had no sense of urgency that I might lose Darlene. To the contrary, I was very willing to walk away if it wasn't a fit.

14. What questions did you and Darlene ask of each other that you felt were the most important questions to ask?

The hard questions related to requirements, with an absolute willingness to walk away if it wasn't a fit.

15. I am happy that you were able to find "The Love of Your Life, and The Life You're Gonna Love!" What is the most important lesson you've learned from your previous relationships that will help you keep this one together forever?

To tell my truth, especially to myself. I've avoided conflict, held back my thoughts, needs and feelings, rationalized unsolvable problems, put other's needs before my own, and every other mistake a co-dependent, nice-guy type can possibly make. My most important lesson was to love myself enough to not settle for less than I really want.

16. If you were coaching someone as a single and they came to you and said they were getting married after 6 weeks of meeting someone, what would you say as their coach?

I would ask a lot of questions!

17. Since you met and got engaged to Darlene, is there anything about the Conscious Dating or Couples material you'd change?

I would add something about the reality of "soul mates." It's always been a romantic fantasy of mine, but the "realist" in me left this out of Conscious Dating. Hard to write about something you've never experienced!

Also, I would strongly highlight the Scarcity Trap and the dangers of settling. You really can find what you really want by saying "no" to what you don't want, but it takes courage. This can't be over-emphasized enough.

18. How did you "hands down" know that Darlene was the "one"?

Being married and divorced twice gave me the life experience that helped me to be so clear about this relationship. As a result I've learned that when two people are right for each other it is unmistakable and unambiguous. When you've had a lot of life experience and have done the work to clearly know who you are and what you want, you'll recognize it more clearly when you find it!

19. How did you know after 5 years that Maggie was not the one? Did you have instincts from day 1? What was missing, what was present, what was the turning point for you in "knowing what you know?"

My relationship with Maggie was a constant challenge, for many reasons, especially the blended family situation and our different parenting styles. We both worked hard on our relationship and making our life together work, perhaps too hard. Maggie was wise enough to break up with me as I focused on adapting and making it work out of loyalty and commitment. I loved her and she loved me, but love is not enough. This relationship reinforced that I needed the clarity and wherewithal to take care of myself in my relationships instead of attempting to please, "make" it work, and adapt by putting my needs aside.

20. Given your experience with Darlene, what has changed for you as a coach, and some of your stances regarding scouting, sorting, testing and "playing the field" before committing?

"Playing the field" is a necessary phase for many singles, but risks getting involved with someone that is not right for you. My experience with Darlene encourages me to be a strong advocate for my client staying true to who they are and what they "really" want, as the temptation to settle is so strong. Before Darlene, I "believed" that Conscious Dating would result in finding a relationship that is right for you. Now I "know" it will!

21. Did you both have AIDS and STD tests before having sex?

No, didn't seem necessary as both of us are the monogamous type that did not sleep around while dating.

22. When you first had sex … who came first? And it's an important question! (If he did, it often shows that the man is putting his needs first... and drowning her out – because once he's done -- it's over. If she's treasured and honored, the relationship generates more life, and mutual giving!)

Wow, now THAT is a highly personal question! Let me just say that as a man I derive much pleasure from my partner's pleasure.

23. What's the first gift that you bought Darlene?

That would have to be coffee at Starbucks for our first meeting. I asked her in advance by email what I could get her as it didn't make sense to me that we both wait in line. Her response was "tall, non-fat vanilla latte," which was waiting for her on the table when she showed up.

24. What's the first gift that she bought you?

That's a hard question as Darlene is very generous in many ways but pretty unsentimental when it comes to cards and gifts. We've agreed that our gifts to each other would be "experiences" and not "stuff." I would say that her first "gift" to me was to cook an incredible meal for our third date.

25. What's your favorite personality quirk about Darlene?

Being macho. She's petite (5' 1" and 95 lbs) and feels much bigger as she's not intimidated by anything or anyone, embraces physical challenges and proudly asserts that she's "not a girly-girl."

26. Do you have endearing nicknames for each other?

We both use "Sweetheart" a lot, and I occasionally call her "Cutie" and she'll call me "Handsome."

27. What do you both find as the best way to spend an evening together? Out on the town, quiet at home?

We both like to adventure outdoors during the day and cuddle on the couch at night watching DVDs, TV, or playing games. We hit the sack around 9:00 p.m. so spending "an evening together" is typically a couple of hours after dinner and dishes. The key here is that this is truly what we both like to do… neither is giving anything up.

28. What has changed within you after meeting Darlene? Sometimes we find that different people awaken different parts of our souls or psyches? How are you an even better person as a result of meeting Darlene?

Very simply, I don't feel alone anymore. It's a wonderful feeling to love and be loved by your soul mate; like a completion. How am I a better person? Darlene influences me to be more patient, trusting, tolerant, and compassionate (among other things).

29. What have you found in Darlene that you've never found/experienced with anyone else?

A soul mate. Someone who truly "gets" me and loves me for who I am, including my flaws and weaknesses. In all my other relationships I felt that I wasn't good enough, couldn't do enough to please and make my partner happy.

30. Is Darlene changing her last name to Steele?

Yes. She looks forward to leaving behind the vestige of her 24-year previous marriage to embrace our identity as a committed couple in name as well as fact.

31. How do you plan to balance your time with your wife and with work?

My dream is to work with my wife! Darlene and I have dreams and plans in this direction.

32. What does a typical day look like now and how will it change when you're married?

Darlene is an RN who works days as a Psychiatric Nurse at the V.A. We get up together at 5:45am to share coffee and the newspaper, our favorite time of the day. She leaves for work at 7 and I start my work day. She gets home around 4:30 p.m. and we typically go for a run and/or workout together, make dinner (she's the chef, I'm the helper if she lets me), do the dishes (I wash), cuddle on the couch to talk, watch a DVD or TV for an hour or two then head to bed at 9:00 p.m. This will stay the same when we're married.

33. What will you have to sacrifice after you're married?

Hmmm… being alone, unilateral decisions and freedom. I enjoy my alone time and find that I equally enjoy being alone with Darlene, so it's not really a sacrifice. I like to make my own decisions and it's a bit of a challenge to share decision-making with someone who has a different process (the outcome is usually the same as we're like-minded, but I reach a decision in seconds while Darlene likes to "think about it" for minutes, hours, or days). I won't have the freedom to do what I want when I want, which is a sacrifice I willingly make to share my life with this amazing woman.

34. What concerns do you have about getting married?

None. Eyes wide open with the benefit of past experiences and accumulated (hard-earned) wisdom.

35. How confident are you that you're making the right decision?

100%

36. How challenging has it been to be a relationship coach while being both single and divorced?

It was more challenging to be a divorced therapist as some clients tend to put you on a pedestal and want you to be perfect. As a coach, I'm free to be transparent about who I am and share my journey with my clients as they share theirs with me.

37. What advice do you have for married couples that are juggling a lot (work, kids, in-laws, household duties, church, etc.) and having a hard time finding quality time to spend together?

It's about quality, not quantity. Rituals and routines are the key so that no matter how busy they are and how demanding work and kids can get, couples need to continue to connect and re-connect through their rituals and routines. For example, Darlene and I go to bed early and get up early to spend more time together, such as sharing coffee and the paper every morning, no matter what.

Before I met Darlene, my pattern was to stay up late and get up at a correspondingly late hour. I gladly changed my habits for Darlene. Going to bed at the same time is a great routine as well that is necessary for a good sex life, which is also very connecting! Sometimes the kids make this a challenge, but we work to be a team and stay one step ahead of them. You have to WANT to spend the time together and be WILLING TO CHANGE HABITS to do so.

38. How do you think your life will change after you get married?

On a surface level, not much. Over the long term, we will build a life together that neither of us could on our own, full of intimacy, love, adventure, family, and growing old together.

39. What do you do to show your future wife how much you love her?

Make her important in big and small ways every day. For example, I time my work day so I can be available when she gets home so we can be together, share about our day, and work out together. I walk her to her car every morning when she leaves for work. If she identifies something she wants or needs I get it for her as her frugal nature resists getting them for herself (most recently a new pair of sunglasses).

Keeping our rituals and routines, such as, "Good night, Sweetheart" being the last thing she hears from me before going to sleep (one night I forgot and she reminded me!). John Gottman's research shows that happy couples perform over 100 loving acts per day for their partner and I commit to meeting or exceeding that every day.

40. What caused your previous divorces?

Divorce #1- Married too young, incompatibilities too large to overcome.

Divorce #2- Drug addiction and unwillingness on her part to commit.

41. What does Darlene say she loves most about you?

From Darlene-

"He’s pretty lovable, don’t you think? David is an even-tempered, honest, direct man who proves to me continuously that I am The Love of His Life. There are so many things I love about David. First, the little things he does, like getting up with me early in the morning before I go to work so we can have coffee and newspaper time together. When I get home from work, he eagerly takes my hand and leads me to the couch so we can catch each other up with the day’s events. He watches my favorite shows on the Food Network with me. Etc, etc, etc…

I feel very safe with David and love talking with him about anything and everything. When I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, an important trait I was seeking was someone I could talk to in an intelligent, rational way. I want to be able to talk about politics, religion, family, money, food choices – any subject – reasonably and safely, without fear that my thoughts or feelings would create upset or conflict.

David shows up as a true partner. He willingly accepts responsibility and wouldn’t dream of putting a burden on me. We share running the household, but I have to admit, since he works from home, he does the majority while I'm at work! He teasingly refers to himself as my “house husband.” I love that he values personal health as I do and we enjoy the same activities, like biking, hiking, kayaking, running, and eating well. And, I absolutely love that he loves to cuddle with me on the couch in the evenings. He’s a great cuddler!"

Note from David- Thank you for indulging us in celebrating my wedding this month. I hope you found this interesting, and perhaps even inspirational. Answering these questions while preparing for getting married was a fantastic gift. I thank the RCI coaches for submitting their questions.

View our photo albums here

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Copyright © 2008 by David Steele . All rights reserved in all media.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Press Release- Twice Divorced Conscious Dating Author Gets Married

2008-09-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Twice Divorced Conscious Dating Author Gets Married

Twice-divorced founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking book for singles Conscious Dating used his own methods and is to marry soul mate at the end of this month.

San Jose, CA, September 19, 2008 --(PR.com)-- David Steele, author of Conscious Dating and founder of Relationship Coaching Institute, a pioneer in helping singles find relationship happiness, used his own methods to find his soul mate and is to be married at the end of this month.

A Marriage and Family Therapist who is a leader in the field of Relationship Coaching for singles and couples, he founded the Relationship Coaching Institute ten years ago, the first and largest relationship coach training organization in the world.

Married and divorced twice, the single parent of three children (including twin boys), David Steele published Conscious Dating after 8 years of research, training hundreds of relationship coaches who coached thousands of single worldwide, to learn how singles can find and have truly fulfilling and sustainable committed relationships. The second edition of Conscious Dating was released earlier this year.

Conscious Dating includes ten principles that help singles be clear about who they are, what they want, and how to get what they want in their relationships, including important concepts such as Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs and Wants. Steele encourages singles to "be the chooser," "don't settle for less than you really want," and shows singles how to avoid the deadly 14 Dating Traps. More than an advice book, Conscious Dating is a new paradigm for how singles can 'find the love of your life and the life that you love.'

Steele says "There are more singles today than ever in history. The great majority want to find their soul mate, but many have experienced failure and are scared and confused about how to find and have a successful relationship. As a marriage therapist it never occurred to me to work with singles. I now understand that 'singles become couples' and helping singles is the most effective way to lower the divorce rate and promote successful couples and families. Having experienced failure myself and using the principles and strategies of Conscious Dating to find my soul mate, I now firmly believe we have the key to promoting successful relationships and want frustrated, despairing singles be inspired and know that it really can happen for you."

To inspire singles and pass along what he learned in his own relationship quest David Steele published his Conscious Dating story and a no-holds-barred interview responding to questions from the member coaches of Relationship Coaching Institute at www.darleneanddavid.com.

David Steele and Darlene Cisneroz will be wed on September 27th at their home in Northern California in a small intimate ceremony with friends and family, followed by a honeymoon in Kauai.

###

Contact Information

Relationship Coaching Institute
David Steele
www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
www.consciousdating.com

Press Release

My Conscious Dating Journey

2008-08-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

By David Steele

As the author of Conscious Dating and founder of Relationship Coaching Institute I'm excited to share that this year I met my soul mate, Darlene, and we are engaged to be married!

If you're a reader of Conscious Dating you know that I've been married and divorced twice. I thought I met my soul mate (Maggie), but that relationship ended after 5 years. Since then I've done a lot of soul searching and focused on living the life I want while continuing to date around, this time with more consciousness of how I tend to settle and determined to find what I really want in a partner and relationship.

After Maggie I met a wonderful woman (Susan) who seemed aligned with everything I was seeking. We had a lot of fun together, shared many values and goals, yet something held me back. Though close, this relationship wasn't "the whole package" for me. I was seeking a deep emotional and spiritual connection that I did not experience with Susan. I broke off the relationship August 2007 and posted my profile on several internet matchmaking websites determined to find my soul mate or be alone.

November 2007 I composed the below statement of my requirements and what I was seeking and even published them in my newsletter here-

In my life I've struggled to understand love and relationships, not having a good start growing up, which propelled me into my profession as a Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach. I'm sure you can relate.
While I'm quite competent helping others I'm still on the path of find lasting love for myself. My first marriage was doomed from the start... too young, too different in irreconcilable ways. I needed to learn that love doesn't conquer all and that not all problems are solvable.
I thought I was more conscious in my second marriage, but being in love caused me to ignore many obvious red flags. Being older didn't make me wiser, and being a therapist didn't give me an edge in making that marriage work.
My two divorces taught me that, indeed, like it or not, agree with it or not, we do have non-negotiable requirements that must be met for a relationship to work. I was determined to be conscious in my future relationships and in exploring what that meant wrote the book Conscious Dating
My next two relationships, one for 5 years, one for 1 year, were both with very good women that I respected, liked, admired, fit most of my requirements, but no chemistry for me. I was trying to be "conscious" and avoid the pitfalls of unconsciousness. That swing of the pendulum didn't work either.
Having learned the hard way about the necessity of having non-negotiable requirements,here are my top requirements for my next (and hopefully last) relationship-
1. Strong chemistry
I want to desire my partner, be excited by my partner at a chemical, physical level. I've experienced this before and learned that it's crucial for a passionate, alive, long-term relationship.
2. I require to be loved, understood, and accepted deeply for who I am.
My partner needs to "get" me so well that I don't need to constantly explain where I'm coming from, what I'm thinking, feeling, intending, meaning.
I've felt misunderstood for most of my life by the people close to me that didn't "get"me. My best friendships and relationships are with people that are able to practically see inside me and understand where I'm coming from. My most difficult relationships are with people that see me through filters so opaque with their own stuff that my good heart and intentions are unseen.
3. I require a relationship that brings out the best in me as I bring out the best in my partner.
This might mean challenging each other a bit(I do like a challenge), but it mostly means loving and supporting each other with positive energy, believing in each other 100%, "getting"each other so that the relationship is safe and emotionally free.
4. I require positive, optimistic, joyful thoughts, actions, attitudes, and energy in my life and relationship.
I grew up with a lot of unhappiness and negativity, but my personality/nature is positive, optimistic and adventurous about life, and I want a partner that shares that so we can live in that space together. In this context "problems" are a challenge to be met with positive energy, optimism that it'll work out fine, not as indicators that something or someone is "wrong."
5. I require a relationship that has a higher mission than personal happiness.
Of course I want to be happy and for my partner to be happy. But I've learned that you can't find happiness by focusing on yourself and your needs in a self-centered way. Fulfillment comes from giving, making a difference in the world, accomplishments that sometimes take sacrifice, learning, growing, stretching, etc. I don't want my partner resenting my work because it interferes with "our time," I want my partner's support for my work and trust that I value and want "our time" as well, and that we both do our best as adults to balance the needs of our work, family, relationship, etc.
6. I require a strong spiritual connection
So strong that we feel connected even when apart, or one of us is traveling. When you are complete and whole, you don't need your partner to complete you or do or say anything for you to be OK. When two complete and whole people love each other, they can be apart and the love and connection doesn't diminish, doesn't go away or sink into emotional deficit.
7. I require a soul mate
My soul mate will match and mirror me in some ways, complement and challenge me in others, fitting with me like hand in glove which results in manifesting all of the above. This is no ordinary relationship that can be achieved with just anyone, especially by settling. While I don't believe there is only one specific soul mate for anyone, I do believe in a connection that goes beyond the present, sensory world and is "meant to be."
The best evidence I have for the existence of "soul mates" are couples I've known that fit together so well they seem to belong together, it seems like they've always been together and you can't imagine them not together. I want a relationship like that!
I'm sure there's more, but this is what I'm aware of that I'm seeking. My commitment to myself is to not settle for less than this as I have before, which means (in my language/paradigm) they are more than wants or needs, they are requirements. I trust that this is possible, that I deserve it, am capable of this kind of relationship, that if I don't settle for less I will find my soul mate and experience this kind of relationship.
Having settled for less in the past and having had the alternatives, I'd rather be alone than in a relationship without this. I'm complete as I am and can give myself all these things! However, I value partnership, committed life partnership, and despite all my "failures" have not given up on my romantic dream to be married for life and grow old with my soul mate. Now that I've put my requirements out there for you and the world to see I have no doubt the Law of Attraction will bring them to me!

Literally one month after publishing the above, December 2007, I received a match online that proved to be my soul mate. Darlene's photo and profile was pretty ordinary, but there was something unexplainable about her that excited me and compelled me to contact her. Our first two meetings were very positive, but routine as first dates go... coffee, then lunch, but something powerful was drawing me to her that I didn't understand. After studying dating and practicing it myself for years, this was new territory for me!

Then, after our third meeting we hugged goodbye and it was all over for me. I was in love. I had insomnia that night and couldn't sleep the next night as well. We had arranged to get together later that week on Sunday, and Darlene contacted me to find out if I could get together on Saturday as she didn't want to wait until Sunday. So she was feeling it too! We ended up talking for 5 hours about our Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants, and our alignment was amazing. Our chemistry, emotional and spiritual connection was so overwhelming it was wonderful and almost too much to bear.

We've been inseparable since, and six weeks after becoming a couple we went to Carmel for the weekend, found a beautiful ring, and got engaged. Our wedding date is set for September 27, 2008.

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. My kids love her, her family likes me, the fit all around is like we were meant to be together. We are true Soul Mates in every sense of the word. I yearned to find her for many years, knew she was out there, and now I feel like I am "home."

My wish for all singles and the message of Conscious Dating is that finding your soul mate really CAN happen for you if you're clear about who you are, what you want, become ready and available, use the Law of Attraction, don't settle for less, and go after what you REALLY want.

David Steele

Photo Gallery

Here we are in Carmel in front of
the famous Lone Cypress the day
before our engagment

We pick out "The Ring"

Hiking in Carmel's Point Lobos after getting engaged

My son Eric showing Darlene our photo albums

Introducing the future David and Darlene Steele
(wedding date set for September 27, 2008)

View our photo albums here

Instant Dating: How to Get a Date Within 24 Hours

2006-12-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

As the holidays approach I get many inquiries from singles who don't want to be lonely while their family and friends are cozily spending quality time together. These singles don't want to be alone during the holidays, they want to have fun with someone!

So I got creative. If you're single and want to have fun with someone over the holidays (or any other time) here are five ways you can get a date within 24 hours.

One qualifier... in Conscious Dating a "fun" date is recreational dating, the purpose of which is to have fun, not find a long term partner, therefore anyone fun qualifies. Therefore, you don't need to carefully choose someone who is highly aligned with your requirements and highly attractive to you. The hard part of recreational dating is keeping it fun and not getting involved. Believe it or not, it's easiest to do this with someone that clearly is not a good match for you!

With that qualifier in mind here are some ideas-

1. Date your Ex

Got your attention? It's not as crazy as you might think! If you have a cordial relationship with an ex, why not? You know each other well and know how to have fun together.

2. Date out of your league

We get so focused on finding "the one," wouldn't it be fun to take a break and date someone significantly older or younger, of a different race or gender, etc, than usual? Recreational dating is easiest when it's with people we clearly wouldn't choose for long term, so how about dating someone dramatically different from your usual pattern?

3. Post a contest on Craig's List

"Win a date with me!" contest. Entrants submit a description of what they propose to do on their date with you, and you choose the one that seems the most fun. People cruise Craig's List and similar online communities for things to do, places to go, and people to meet. DO NOT use this strategy for anything other than recreational dating! (see above qualifier).

4. Date a "loser"

I know I'm going to get flak for this one... but search personal ads for the most pathetic lost soul you can find who would be happy to go out for a little fun and let loose, knowing it's a one-time thing. Someone who you wouldn't ordinarily consider dating in a million years. Who knows? You might have fun and learn something about yourself and the human race.

5. Date a family member or friend

Wouldn't it be nice to have fun with one of your kids, your brother or sister, mother or father, or a friend? Take this opportunity to get to have fun with them and get to know them better by breaking your usual pattern with them and go out to a dinner and play, etc.

No need to be alone during the holidays or at any other time if you're not picky. If you're lonely, use these strategies to have fun!

Want More Than "Fun?"

If these strategies don't appeal to you and you want more than fun, you want a relationship, then take care of yourself by not settling for less and continue your quest for your life partner. In the meantime, I recommend spending quality time with your family and friends, and perhaps widening your social circle by making new friends. Not only will this help you get your social and emotional needs met while you're single, but here's a secret... most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know!

Happy Holidays and my best wishes in your journey to live the life you love with the love of your life.

Frustrated with Internet Dating? Top Five Ways to Find Your Mate Without a Computer

2006-05-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

In a new trend, singles are becoming increasingly disillusioned with internet dating and seeking alternatives. In spite of millions of singles using the internet and the promises and success stories of online matchmaking websites, I've heard the same thing over and over from singles across the country who are frustrated with internet dating-

"It's great to have a lot of choices, but it takes a lot of time and I don't seem to meet anyone I have much chemistry with."

This trend makes sense to me. In some ways, using a computer to find your soul mate is like trying to cook a souffle in a microwave. Some things just require time, effort, and the human touch.

This article explores the upsides and downsides of internet dating, attempts to explain why internet dating doesn't work for some (most?) singles, and suggests some alternatives.

Top Five Advantages of Internet Dating

1. Reach more singles

2. Inexpensive (relatively)

3. Enough information available for efficient sorting

4. Anonymous

5. Easy to control most aspects of the process

Top Five Downsides of Internet Dating

1. Overwhelming number of choices

2. Encourages "shopping" mentality

3. Many users are less than truthful

4. Some users are game players, predators. cheaters

5. Complacency- tempting to rely on the internet and exclude other options

The Internet, Chemistry, and the Law of Attraction

Today's singles seem to be relying on their computer a bit too much and complacently expecting the internet to deliver their soul mate. This is a version of the Fairytale Trap (one of fourteen dating traps in my book "Conscious Dating"). The internet is a wonderful tool (I use it!) but doesn't seem to work effectively as the only tool for finding potential partners.

I believe that the two biggest reasons why the internet isn't effective for many singles is the role of chemistry and the Law of Attraction.

Chemistry is critically important for a successful relationship. Everyone wants a partner they feel strong chemistry with, and a relationship would be pretty dry and unsustainable without it. The Fourth Principle of Conscious Dating is "Balance Your Heart With Your Head." Identifying your requirements, needs, and wants does not minimize the need for chemistry. You need both! I like to think of chemistry as the radar that helps you find your target, then you use your requirements, needs and wants to decide "yes" or "no."

The Law of Attraction is inescapeable and either works for you or against you. If you're "busy" or "shy" and the internet is your only means of reaching potential partners, in a way you're hiding behind your computer and the Law of Attraction is not likely to help you. The Law of Attraction states that "like attracts like" and "energy follows attention," meaning your results reflect your thoughts and your actions. Over the years I've become convinced that the Law of Attraction is a powerful law of the Universe, like gravity. Just like "what goes up must come down," try as you might, you can't avoid or change the principle that "like attracts like."

If you're hiding behind your computer, what people, relationships, and
results are you likely to attract?

Top Five Ways to Find Your Mate Without a Computer

1. Use your support community

Most people find their soul mate through someone they know, so don't be a lone ranger (another dating trap!) and lean on your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors to assist you to meet potential partners.

2. Start a dating pool or networking group

Get a group of singles together (any gender mix) to support each other to meet potential partners. Most singles know lots of other singles of both genders, so pool your resources and do some matchmaking for each other!

3. Reach out to people

In today's busy world with cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail,
and the internet promoting impersonal ways of interacting with others, it's easy to forget the lost art of engaging with real people that are right in front of you. Make an effort to reach out to the people you come into contact with in your everyday life and watch your relationships blossom.

4. Make more friends

Since most people find their soul mate through someone they know, be open to developing new friendships and expanding your support community. Chances are you already have acquaintances at work and other places that you would enjoy spending more time with. Friends are easier to find than dates, and friendships often last longer than romantic relationships!

5. Get involved

Too many singles lead isolated lives centered around work, home, and a few friends. Participating in clubs, groups, classes, charities, church/temple, is the most important way you can leverage the Law of Attraction to help you find your soul mate. You'll meet new people, make new friends, and pursue hobbies and interests important to you that bring you in contact with other compatible singles.

Balancing High Tech with High Touch

Technology can help us in many ways. However, let's not forget that humans are social beings and finding your life partner is a relationship goal that is probably more effectively acheived by getting away from your computer. You're more likely to find relationship fulfillment by living a full, rich life among real people doing the things you enjoy that make your life meaningful.

As the ancient Roman playwright Terence once said- "Moderation in all things." Do you think he meant the internet as well?

Let's address this problem of over-reliance on the internet for finding love. Please pass this article along to the frustrated singles in your life that you care about!

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the new ground-breaking book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Visit his website at www.consciousrelationshipresources.com for free audio programs, live tele-seminars, and cutting-edge relationship information for singles and couples.

Wooing vs. Courtship

2006-03-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

As I spread the word about conscious dating and conscious relationships I'm amazed that not everyone agrees with me. I'm learning that for some singles "conscious" is a turnoff.

OK, it's just a word, so if Conscious Dating doesn't work let's use another one to get our point across. How about "Courtship?" Now there's an old-fashioned term few can take issue with!

According to the dictionary, Courtship means 1. The act, process, or period of courting. 2. Specialized behavior that leads to or initiates mating.

By contrast, Wooing means 1. To seek the affection of with intent to romance. 2a. To seek to achieve; try to gain. b. To tempt or invite. 3. To entreat, solicit, or importune.

So here's my take on the difference- Courtship is a conscious process of selecting and building a relationship with a potential life partner, and wooing is pursuing someone you're highly attracted to with a specific goal in mind; typically sex or to "get" the man or woman in some way.

Wooing seems romantic and desireable to some folks. To me it seems self-centered and impulsive. You are pursuing what YOU want based upon your feelings of attraction and immediate goals for sex, companionship, etc, and you've decided that THIS person is your target. People who woo are concerned with what they can do and say to accomplish their immediate goal.

Courtship takes the long view, respecting your potential life partner as someone to get to know and determine mutual fit over time. In our culture being patient and delaying gratification is undervalued.

Courtship means you're honest with yourself and the person you're courting about your intentions, and they are interested in you as well. When you're authentic there is a risk of rejection, which might be why wooing seems more attractive to some singles.

Conscious Dating means to be clear and intentional about dating. If you are simply seeking sex, that's OK, we call it "Recreational Dating" and recommend being honest about it. In spite of your scarcity fears, you'll find plenty of takers if you know where to look (such as Craig's List "Casual Encounters"). If you don't like to think of this as being "conscious," then go ahead and call it "wooing!" If you're single and seeking your life partner, I will stick to my guns and continue advocating being conscious, intentional, and authentic if your goal is to find the love of your life and the life that you love.

Three Keys to Making Conscious Choices in 2006

2005-12-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

In this first month of a new year I'd like to declare 2006 the 'Year of Conscious Choices.' Our planet would work so much better if all choices were conscious.

(Note: see below for f`ree Making Conscious Choices audio program.)

What does it mean to be 'Conscious?'

To illustrate, I propose the following three levels of consciousness:

1. Unconscious (awake but unaware)

This is when you forget where you put your keys, leave the headlights on and are surprised by a dead battery, drive past your freeway exit, etc. You're simply not paying attention.
If life is like an iceberg, when we're unconscious we crash and sink before we see it.

2. Semi-conscious (aware of what’s in front of you)

This is when you're sure you know what's what. We believe that our stories (beliefs, interpretations, etc) and sensory perceptions (see, hear, feel, etc) are true and correct.
If life is like an iceberg, when we're semi-conscious we're aware of the iceberg and truly believe we know how to avoid it, then crash and sink because it's larger than we thought.

3. Conscious (aware of the big picture)

This is when we humbly understand that 'you don't know what you don't know,' and realize that there may be more to a situation than we can see or understand at the time. We are aware of our goal and do our best to learn more about the situation and examine our options to make the best possible choice.
If life is like an iceberg, when we're conscious we realize that we need to know more about what's under the surface before making our choices about how to proceed.

Three Keys to Making Conscious Choices

1. Be clear about who you are and what you want

What's the purpose of your life? What is your Vision for your life, work, and relationships? What are your requirements, needs, and wants in any situation?
Strive to lower the waterline on the iceberg that is your
Self to achieve the clarity you need to be motivated and empowered.

2. Stay focused on what's important to you- don't settle for less

Most people 'lead lives of quiet desperation.' They want to be happy, but don't know how and don't think it's possible. However, the Law of Attraction can work for you or against you, and if you expect less, you'll get less.
Go after what you really want in your life and assume you
can find the choices needed to be successful if you're looking for them.

3. Be supportable- with enough help you can do anything!

We're human, and no-one is successful alone. We need to be conscious of our support needs and proactively seek to get them met.
Continually ask yourself what help you need and who can help you.

Wishing you a healthy, happy, conscious New Year.

A New Year's Gift for You!
Listen to a recorded version of this timely, inspirational seminar

Making Conscious Choices:
Three Keys to Your Success

(30 min- recorded from a live seminar)

Did you know that David Steele is a professional speaker? For more information about David's professional speaking please visit www.consciousrelationshipspeaker.com

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. www.ConsciousDating.com

Double Your Romance with One-Way Dates

2005-12-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it seems like romance goes out the window.

Does this sound familiar?

Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”

Partner #2: “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?”

Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.

Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure, she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies. After awhile, this might get old! (True story- happened to me!)

What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh and exciting?

Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:

TYPE 1: Partner #1 creates a romantic experience for partner #2

The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively focused on what would please partner #2.

TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner #1

TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centered romantic experience

The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%, to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2’s experience at all.

TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centered romantic experience

To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain, for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement for decades to come.

I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying to please both.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute, author of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. http://www.consciousdating.com/

Conscious Dating on the Radio

2005-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

I recently did a radio interview on The Tony Show with nationally syndicated radio host Tony Trupiano.

It was an extensive, wide-ranging 45 minute interview about many aspects of Conscious Dating.

I put the recording on my website at http://www.consciousdating.com/headquarters.htm

Enjoy!

David

She/He's Hot! Now What? How to Use the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating

2005-11-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

The "Rule of Three" has many incarnations and applications, as a cursory Google search will reveal. In the area of relationships, you may have heard that the "third time is the charm," and while that has certainly been true for me, I'm not recommending getting divorced twice to find your life partner.

The "Rule of Three for Conscious Dating" says that when meeting someone attractive to you, it takes at least three contacts to determine mutual interest and comfort to proceed further.
This is not good news for fans of "speed seduction" whose goal is to manipulate the outcome and immediately "hook up." (OK. I see you're excited about the idea, so go ahead and look it up in Google and continue reading when you're ready).

In the real world of singles, the most anxiety-producing situation occurs when you spot someone attractive to you that you would like to meet. This is so stressful that an entire industry caters to singles to help them with this; for a price.

Save your money and use the Rule of Three. Here is an example:

Let's say you are attracted to the teller at the bank. You could flirt, deliver your best pick-up line, and ask what time he or she gets off, but you anticipate (rightly) that if they have any class they would not be comfortable with that approach.

So, what do you do? Try the Rule of Three:

CONTACT #1: You smile, make eye contact, introduce yourself, ask their name, make small talk, pay a compliment, anything you would do to be friendly with anyone in any setting.

The purpose of this first contact is to walk away having left a positive impression.

CONTACT #2: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now that you are on a first name basis you can start with small talk and add some personal sharing about something important to you related to your requirements such as your children, work, etc, as you would for our "Power Introduction." Note their reaction- positive, negative or neutral. Having revealed something specific about yourself, you then ask him or her about the topic (e.g. "Do you have kids?").

You are seeking to do three things at this step:

-First; discover whether you have anything in common, especially an important requirement.

-Second; confirm your attraction and interest after discovering something real about this person.

-Third; leave another positive impression, this time based upon something real about you.

CONTACT #3: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now it will be like a reunion of old friends. Talk a bit further about what you have in common. Towards the end of the transaction say "I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Would you be interested and available to meet for coffee sometime?"

Notice the above is a clear statement about you, and asks about their INTEREST and AVAILABILITY. Asking in this way is typically construed as friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving him or her lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. Most people would be flattered and positive; don't worry about the people that take you the wrong way, they are simply screening themselves out. You're just being authentically, benignly and innocently friendly. It is very helpful for you and for them to not be attached to the outcome- they can accept or not, you will be fine either way.

ALTERNATIVE #1: If asking so directly is not your preference, you can give them your business card and say "I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Here is my card. I would love for you to call or e-mail if you are interested and available to meet for coffee sometime."

ALTERNATIVE #2: You can repeat Contact #2 as many times as you like to build more comfort and learn more about each other before you decide to try #3.

The Rule of Three for Conscious Dating can be applied any social setting such as a party, except you would use intervals of 15-30 minutes instead of hours or days.

Scouting and initiating contact with people that are attractive to you is essential to being "The Chooser." I hope the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating will empower you to take more initiative and be a successful single .

The important thing about applying the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating is to be authentic, especially with your bank teller, because he or she already knows more about you than most of your friends and family!

© 2005 by David Steele / http://www.consciousdating.com

The Packaging Trap

2005-11-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

She’s so hot!”
“He’s a hunk!”
“Men/Women are only after one thing.”
“Why can’t men/women see past my body/bank account?”

Women commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by men solely for their physical attractiveness, and men commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by women for their job or money.

When we don’t know someone, it is natural to focus on the outside packaging. It is also understandable to be attracted to something that is very important to us, such as looks or money. Deep down we know that potential partners, like us, want to be viewed as multi-dimensional beings, not just a body or a wallet. Yet, in dating, whether straight or gay, young or old, unconscious singles commonly focus on the one big thing that attracts them, and then wonder why their relationships don’t work.

The “Packaging Trap” is one of Fourteen Dating Traps covered in Chapter Three of my book Conscious Dating.

In our culture we objectify people by focusing on their age, gender, race, clothes, hair, weight, job, finances, and other external characteristics, and make generalizations about who they are as a person. When scouting for potential partners, it is common for some singles to focus on the packaging first, then not see much else beyond that. This works both ways- rejecting some people because of their packaging, and pursuing others because of their packaging.

Focusing on packaging can interfere even when you don’t intend to. True personal story- Maggie and I met on Match.com only after she had the smarts to modify her search criterion when she wasn’t finding anyone compatible. My search missed her because I selected 5’ 2” as my minimum height (Maggie is 5’ 1 ½”) and she selected her age and older (I’m 18 months younger). Neither of us intended to discriminate based upon such external packaging characteristics and reject potential partners younger or shorter! When Maggie modified her search criterion to include men a few years younger she found me, and I’m very glad she did.

It is understandable to have preferences and reactions to external packaging; however, if our goal is an internal experience, such as to be happy, loved, and fulfilled in a relationship, we may need to balance our attraction to the outside packaging by paying more attention to the person inside.

I recently had a conversation with a single friend who, after completing our Conscious Dating Relationship Success Training for Singles program (RESTS), has been working with one of our relationship coaches for several years. He was frustrated about getting involved in relationships that appear promising in the beginning then don’t work out. He and I have had an on-going debate about his weight requirement- no more than 5 pounds overweight (I could never figure out how he would measure that!). Body shape was his first and primary sorting tool, pursuing women with great bodies (who were usually not attracted to him) and immediately rejecting women who were not slender.

Still single and nearing retirement age, he was despairing of finding a partner. I like him a lot, wanted to see him happy in a relationship, and really wanted to help. This time, our conversation focused more specifically on the Law of Attraction, and how his weight “requirement” may be interfering with his success.

Remember, the Law of Attraction can work for you or against you. If you objectify others by focusing on their packaging, then you will probably be objectified in return. As a man objectifying women by their appearance my friend might be attracting women who objectify him by his appearance, job, money, car, or other external packaging characteristic, and might not be capable of the kind of relationship he really wants.

In our Conscious Dating RESTS program, we specify that Requirements are almost always behavioral events in the relationship, not traits of a partner. This has been challenging for many singles that are used to making a list of what they want in their ideal partner. I like to say, “you can make a list of a hundred traits or qualities, find someone that meets all of them, and STILL be miserable.”

We help singles refine their list and translate their requirements from traits of a partner into behavioral relationship events by asking “What does _____ mean to you?” and“What must happen in your relationship to be _____?” Any personal trait or characteristic can be transformed into a behavioral relationship event, such as “Good listener” into “Good communication” or “Deep listening to each other.” The more specific and bottom-line- the better. Most requirements go both ways and involve both partners, such as “good communication” and“addiction-free.”

Balance is the key. RCI coach Mike McCartney said “JUST the outside without the inside won't work. JUST the inside without the outside won't work for the vast majority,” and I agree. It is natural to have some requirements related to packaging, such as race, height, age, and even body type or weight, but I prefer to de-emphasize focusing on packaging that doesn’t have much to do with a quality relationship, and emphasize what is required to have the life and relationship you want.

In practice, very few external characteristics pass the requirements test- “If you were totally in love and really wanted this relationship to work, would you break it off because of _____?”

The 2001 movie “Shallow Hal” has a great example of this. Jack Black as Hal, a single guy obsessed with external packaging, was hypnotized to see only the person inside and pursued Gwyneth Paltrow’s illusionary slim character. Then, when the hypnotic spell broke and he saw her actual obesity, he decided that her weight didn’t interfere with his love and desire for her.

My friend held steadfastly to his weight requirement, fearing that if he let go of it, he would end up with someone he was not physically attracted to. I tried to reassure him that with the Law of Attraction “like attracts like,” and if he let go of focusing on weight he might be opening the door for his soul mate- a wonderful woman who is attracted to him, to whom he too will be attracted.
At the end of the evening, my friend still seemed skeptical, but he said I gave him a lot to think about. I hope he can let go and give the Law of Attraction a chance to work for him- at this point he has nothing to lose!

PACKAGING TRAP: Focusing on outside packaging, such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions, etc, overlooking the reality of the person inside. Opposite of the Marketing Trap; instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.

SOLUTION: Define your requirements for the life and relationship you really want and seek to balance your attraction to the packaging by paying attention to the reality of the person inside.

© 2005 by David Steele / http://www.consciousdating.com

What You Believe, You Can Acheive

2005-11-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

by David Steele

Our reality and results are largely determined by our beliefs and attitudes. Attitudes are internal beliefs that create your experience of yourself, others, and life; the way you see things and your internal state of “being” that are largely self-fulfilling; they WILL be true because you believe them and allow them to be true.

Attitudes are influenced by your personality and experiences, and can be positive and productive, or negative and unproductive. You can consciously choose the ones that serve you and let go of the ones that sabotage you.

TOP SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS OF SINGLES

Everyone has fears and self-limiting beliefs, but are often unaware of them. Check the ones below that fit for you. When reading each one, do a “gut check,” and if you experience the slightest physical or emotional reaction, it most likely applies to you.

ABOUT SELF:

_____ 1. I’m not good enough
_____ 2. I don’t deserve love
_____ 3. I don’t deserve to be happy
_____ 4. I’m not __________ (attractive, successful, young, rich, thin, etc) enough
_____ 5. I’m too __________ (old, unattractive, dysfunctional, late, unsuccessful, etc)

ABOUT DATING:

_____ 6. All the good ones are taken
_____ 7. I have to take what I can get, or be alone
_____ 8. My “Ideal Partner” doesn’t exist, or is already taken
_____ 9. There is no such thing as a “Soul Mate” or “True Love”
_____10. I must be “realistic” in my expectations

ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

_____11. I will be rejected if I ask for what I want, or say “no”
_____12. I will be abandoned if I care too much
_____13. I will hurt the one I love
_____14. I will be smothered or controlled
_____15. I will lose myself
_____16. I will be hurt if I trust
_____17. If you really know me, you won’t like or love me

TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES

Below is a list of attitudes that I believe are important for singles to adopt to find fulfillment in life and relationships.

I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

I strive to live and “be” in the present
I love, accept, and trust myself

I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal

I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with myself and others, aligning my words, values and actions

I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences

I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals

I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships

What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally

In what ways do you limit and sabotage yourself?

How can you adopt the beliefs and attitudes you need to be successful?

Letting go of self-limiting beliefs and adopting productive attitudes is very challenging to most singles. Dating and relationships can trigger these issues quite strongly during the Attraction stage, and really test your resolve.

The Attraction stage is a pivotal point in Conscious Dating. As you notice yourself being challenged by these barriers, I encourage you to get the support you need from your friends, family, therapist, coach, and/or coaching team. No-one is successful alone.

The Sex Trap: Confusing Sex and Love

2005-11-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

As I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."

The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.

Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:

They believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)

More commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.

So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.

No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.

These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being. But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.

Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.

"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be good?"

Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing."

I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.

Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.

To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!

Attachment Vs. Love: Is There a Difference?

2005-11-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

This month our Director of Singles Programs, Lynne Michelson asked our coaches:

“A common problem that occurs for singles is the experience of a relationship ending but the feelings continuing for many months or longer with resulting sensations of emptiness and loss They know perhaps the relationship was not healthy, or that they are better off without the other person but they still feel "hooked" despite knowing the person isn't right for them. They might also know their requirements were not being met, but they cannot get the person "out" of them. What thoughts do you have about this?”

It occurs to me that this problem is true for the breakup of committed relationships as well. Getting a divorce does not erase your love for, or your attachment to, your ex. This has certainly been true for me and many people in my life I care about.

It is tortuous to feel strongly about someone, really want it to work, but choose to let the relationship go because you must. If it could work, you would certainly find a way!

In my experience and opinion, what keeps relationships together, and makes breaking up hard to do, is more than love; it is attachment.

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

Attachment can mean many things, ranging from emotional affection to physical affixation. Psychologists have whole theories around attachment and identify clinical disorders caused by it. For our purposes, we can define attachment simply as a “strong emotional bond.”

We humans get attached. To objects, like cars, houses, money, books, clothes, etc. We get attached to routines (e.g. washing your hands), beliefs (e.g. killing is wrong), sensations and experiences (e.g. orgasm), activities (e.g. work), and people. In the extreme, our attachment can be an addiction.

HOW ARE LOVE AND ATTACHMENT DIFFERENT?

Love and attachment seem pretty interconnected, but distinctly different. Without going into highly debatable explanations and theories, it seems to me that love is a positive feeling toward something or somebody, and attachment is an emotional need for something or somebody. The major difference seems to be that love is other-directed, and attachment is self-centered.

NEEDS VS. NEEDINESS

If attachment is a self-centered need for something or someone, then it makes sense to me that if we have difficulty letting go of a relationship that doesn't work, it is less about love and more about our own grief, fears, loneliness, and emotional needs/deficits.

For more about the role of needs in a relationship, see the article “Needs vs. Neediness”

WHAT TO DO ABOUT ATTACHMENT?

It seems to me that the first step to letting go of an attachment is to be clear about love vs. attachment:

Understanding the difference (e.g. attachment is not love)

Understanding the implications (e.g. it's about me and my needs)

Understanding the consequences (e.g. if I continue to pursue a relationship that doesn't work I'm setting myself up for failure)

Acknowledge and honor the needs that are driving you to pursue an attachment that isn't working by finding ways to satisfy your needs productively. It is hard to let go if doing so means falling into a chasm of pain and emptiness.

Get the support you need to move on and pursue involvement in activities and with people that are productive for you. A coach and/or support group is great for this.

If you find yourself continually pursuing an attachment that doesn't serve you, seek the support of a therapist knowledgeable and competent in helping people with sex/love addiction and co-dependency.

What Is Commitment in Relationships?

2005-11-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

by David Steele

The question of when a relationship is committed is a source
of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the
marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going
up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to
unmarried parents.

In this article I hope to shed some light on this question
to facilitate your work with couples and individuals
challenged by different perceptions of the status of their
relationships.

COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE

I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she
had just broken off a "committed" relationship. A few
questions later I learned that she had been dating this
person for a year, they were not living together, and the
reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."

We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships,
and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but
insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.

OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is the
status of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, and
on the other hand are commitments made within the
relationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?

In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction
between a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promise
to each other within the context of a relationship that was
not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make more
sense of things.

When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitment
vs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there
is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a
promise you are making a commitment.

Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here
is my definition of terms:

PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a
specific act.

- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time
- I promise to be exclusive in our relationship

COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an
ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.

- I am committed to keeping my promises
- I am committed to our relationship

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment
is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A
commitment is contextual.

A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner
doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to
keep commitments, as they are definitely related.

CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT

Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinction
I made between a commitment and a promise was helpful for
the above conversation.

The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion
about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago
when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples
that were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpful
distinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?"

When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed
relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly
witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble
for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.

I have talked with many unmarried people, as the woman
above, who have described themselves in "committed
relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often
have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even
that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.

IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed

2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed

3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about
the status of your relationship

4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about
the status of your relationship

5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly
formalize your commitment in some way

6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant
track record of them being kept

A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a
formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment
is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually
legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.

And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no
exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going
gets rough, you make it work.

CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT

Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to
"on." When building a relationship with someone, the level
of commitment gradually increases.

Then you have all the shades of gray. living together,
dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be
married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it
really?

FACT VS. ATTITUDE

Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes
two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events,
actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.

It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but
not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right
relationship for me").

It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating
exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The
One!' ").

In my work with couples I have found that the most important
variable determining their future success is their level of
commitment to the relationship.

In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but
not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.

Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally
fall into two categories-

UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model
of trying the relationship out, acting committed without
actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and
attitude.

CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually
have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the
right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An
alignment of fact and attitude.

CONCLUSION

So, when is a relationship committed?

-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.

What creates the "fact" of commitment?

I propose these three criterion:

CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent
nature of the relationship that are kept

CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration

CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others

In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would
say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married
or not.

I sincerely hope this article helps address the common
questions about commitment that arise in relationship
coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it
is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have
productive conversations with your clients that are caught
in the gray areas to support them to make effective
relationship choices.

©2005 by David Steele
http://consciousdating.com

Relationship Research Findings for 2005

2005-11-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

by David Steele

In July 2005, the National Marriage Project of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, released their annual "State of Our Unions" report for 2005. You will find some key findings from this report below. Here is what I would like you to know:

The marriage rate continues to decline
The cohabitation rate continues to increase, with a higher failure rate than marriage
The divorce rate continues to be around 50 percent, though has declined a bit, most likely due to fewer marriages and more cohabitation
Couples are waiting longer to get married
Divorced people are slightly less likely to re-marry
Lifelong singlehood has increased a bit
Over 50 percent of couples now live together before getting married
Couples living together without plans for marriage is increasing
40 percent of all children will live in a cohabiting household
28 percent of all children live in single parent families
An increasing percentage of teenagers state that they want to get married and that having a good marriage and family is important to them

These trends are disturbing because the problems are getting worse, not better. For example, more and more people cohabitate, which has a higher failure rate than marriage, and higher negative impact on children and families. Yet, most want a successful life partnership, and think cohabitation is a necessary first step.

There is a widening gulf between:

- what people want (a successful committed relationship)…

- what they do (cohabitate)…

- and the results they get (relationship failure)

Here are some key findings on Marriage, Divorce, Cohabitation, Children, and Teen Attitudes:

ON MARRIAGE:
"Americans have become less likely to marry. Most people now live together before they marry for the first time."
50 percent decline, from 1970 to 2004, in the annual number of marriages per 1,000 unmarried adult women
Some of this decline—it is not clear just how much—results from the delaying of first marriages until older ages
Other factors accounting for the decline are the growth of unmarried cohabitation and a small decrease in the tendency of divorced persons to remarry. The decline also reflects some increase in lifelong singlehood

ON DIVORCE:
“The American divorce rate today is nearly twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting the highest point in our history in the early 1980s. For the average couple marrying in recent years, the lifetime probability of divorce or separation remains between 40 and 50 percent.”

ON COHABITATION:
“The number of unmarried couples has increased dramatically over the past four decades, and the increase is continuing. Most younger Americans now spend some time living together outside of marriage, and unmarried cohabitation commonly precedes marriage. A growing percentage of cohabiting couple households, now over 40 percent, contain children."

Between 1960 and 2004 the number of unmarried couples in America increased by nearly 1200 percent. Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by living together, compared to virtually none 50 years ago. "The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way “to find out whether you really get along,” and thus avoid a bad marriage and an eventual divorce, is now widespread among young people. But the available data on the effects of cohabitation fail to confirm this belief. In fact, a substantial body of evidence indicates that those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage."

ON CHILDREN:
"The trend toward single-parent families is probably the most important of the recent family trends that have affected children and adolescents. This is because the children in such families have negative life outcomes at two to three times the rate of children in married, two-parent families. Children who grow up with cohabiting couples tend to have worse life outcomes compared to those growing up with married couples. Prominent reasons are that cohabiting couples have a much higher breakup rate than married couples, a lower level of household income, and a higher level of child abuse and domestic violence.”

- 28 percent of all children live in single-parent families, 9 percent in 1960

- 40 percent of all children are expected to spend some time in a cohabiting household during their growing up years

- For unmarried couples in the 25 to 34 age group the percentage with children is higher still, approaching half of all such households

- Almost one half of stepfamilies today consists of a biological parent and unrelated cohabiting partner

ON TEEN ATTITUDES:
"The desire of teenagers of both sexes for “a good marriage and family life” has increased slightly over the past few decades."

- 82 percent of girls and 70 percent of boys state that having a good marriage and family life was “extremely important” to them (a slight increase)

- 83 percent of girls and 78 percent of boys state that they expect to marry (a moderate increase)

Reprinted with permission of David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead from /The State of Our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America, 2005/ (The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, 2005) National Marriage Project: http://marriage.rutgers.edu Link to report: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/SOOU2005.pdf

Be The Chooser: How to Get What You Really Want in Your Life

2005-11-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

By David Steele

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Khalil Gibran

Our life works and can be full of joy when we make effectivechoices. Our life can be full of sorrow if we make ineffective choices. Chooser vs. Victim

As a child, choices were made for me and I had little power over what happened to me. This is normal for children, but when we take this attitude as adults I call it being a "victim." The opposite of being a victim is to be "The Chooser."

The concept of choice is remarkable, and that we have choices I consider to be a fact. Though in my life, I've forgotten this fact many times when I was impulsive or reactive. I find it challenging to take responsibility for my failures and pain as being the result of my own choices. I want to blame my boss, my ex-wife, the other driver, my parents; and for awhile I did.

I've had many wake-up calls that acting out of ignorance or impulse doesn't absolve me of responsibility for making a bad choice. When I was sixteen, a new driver, and got a ticket for making a U-turn across a double-yellow line I told the cop honestly that I didn't know it was against the law, and felt it grossly unfair that he ticketed me anyway.

I fought the ticket in traffic court and lost. My only defense was "I didn't know! I didn't mean to break the law!" The judge told me ignorance was not an excuse for breaking the law. That was one of my first wake-up calls that as an adult, I would be held accountable for my choices even if they were unconscious. Scary thought.

We live in a victim culture. It's usually the other guy's fault that we go to war, get into a car accident, lose our money in stocks, get a divorce. While victim-hood might make us feel better and in the right, it also makes us helpless and perpetuates our problems.

The Law of Attraction

What do you want? A fulfilling life and relationship? A loving family? Success in your work? Peace in the world? I've learned that to get what you want you must BE THE CHOOSER.
Being the chooser means taking the initiative to create what you want, taking full responsibility for your outcomes, and making your choices mindful of their long-term consequences.
There is a law of the universe as powerful as the law of gravity that helps choosers and brings suffering on victims. It's called the "Law of Attraction." Just like "what goes up must come down;" "what is inside shows up on the outside,""energy follows attention," and "what you believe you can achieve."

If you believe you don't have a choice, you won't.

If you shove responsibility for your choices and outcomes outside of yourself, the law of attraction will try to teach you to take responsibility by repeating the lesson over and over until you get it. This is the origin of crime, war, and most other sources of human suffering.

I want to be happy and fulfilled. I want you to be happy and fulfilled. I've learned that happiness comes from within, by taking responsibility as an adult for my choices and outcomes. I've learned that I need to be "The Chooser" in my life and my heartfelt desire is that I can inspire you to be The Chooser as well.

Be The Chooser

We have the knowledge and technology to create a wonderful life for ourselves and society for our children. Most of our social problems, such as crime, war, poverty, violence, disease, divorce, homelessness, and more, is the result of ineffective choices. Unfortunately, these social problems will continue as long as people believe they don't have a choice about them.

Choosers know what they want and how to get it. In charge of their lives, Choosers take responsibility for what happens. Being a Chooser takes a certain amount of confidence and effort, but anyone can be one! Being The Chooser means taking initiative for your outcomes: you are in charge of creating what you want in life. You do not restrict yourself to what or who chooses you.

Very often, we are not aware of the range of choices available to us. We are often unaware of our power to choose, and of the true power of our choices. We might make choices unconsciously, reactively or impulsively. We might be unaware of the long-term consequences of our choices.

A.I.M. To Be The Chooser

Step 1: Be AWARE that you have choices

You are never stuck! You always have choices, even if you don't know what your choices are. Don't allow impulse or lack of information to result in a poor choice.

Step 2: IDENTIFY your choices

Always assume there are more choices than you are aware of. Seek to identify a variety of the choices available to you, mindful that “you don't know what you don't know.” Identify productive choices and don't settle for unproductive choices.

Step 3: MAKE productive choices

Use all the information available to you to make the best choice possible to achieve the outcome you desire. Evaluate a choice based upon the likely long-term consequences of that choice.

Seven Things You Can Do Today to Be The Chooser

If you want to be the Chooser, here are some things you have control over and can DO (remember- CRAPGAP):

- BE CREATIVE: Seek new ideas and opportunities beyond the immediate past and present

- BE A RISK TAKER: Accept rejection and failure as part of life, and don't take it personally

- BE ASSERTIVE: Ask for what you want, and say "no" to what you don't want

- BE PROACTIVE: Don't merely react to events, or habitually wait for things to happen

- BE GOAL-ORIENTED: Clearly define and vigorously pursue your goals

- ASSUME ABUNDANCE: Believe there will always be plenty of opportunities and resources

- BE POSITIVE: Always anticipate success

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously.
If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life.
You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
-- Senator Robert F. Bennett (R-Utah